The BIG Move (I'm kinda scared)

If everything runs smoothly, I will be moving in April. This is going to be the most significant move that I have made thus far. Miss Teach, I'm going to Hawaii. I am moving down there to be with my aunt, her two beautiful baby girls, and her husband (who is in the military.) For awhile I'm going to be a live-in nanny for the two little girls so that Christina can get a job and get everything moving for themselves down there. After that I will probably try to get a job at a hotel, if I don't like living down there I'll simply be back in about 6 months or so. However, if I do enjoy living down there there is no telling when I'll return. I miss you so much already. I only hope to see you at least once before I leave. I just wish that the school visitation rules weren't so strict.

really, untitled....

I know what I have done....but I can't change everything about myself. I'm not misleading about what I want. I'm just friendly. I used to be misleading...or maybe I wasn't. Maybe, at that moment that which I was leading on to was exactly what I wanted. I wrongly wanted it but I make mistakes just like you and you. I, however, want one thing now. What will it take?!?! I needed to say this somewhere that few would see it. So thank you to my one reader....nothing is wrong really, just a moment, one of a few on this matter but it's going to take time. I understand that.

I don't think this would be considered screaming it on top of a mountain....

WE'RE BACK TOGETHER!!!! I have never been so excited about a simple little title on a relationship before! oh oh oh oh! and I'm moving in this week! maybe that's what I'm more excited about...who knows?
I told him that I wouldn't tag him in my relationship status on Facebook because he's not necessarily ready for all of his friends commenting and asking. Honestly, some of them will probably give him a hard time about it saying that I'm going to hurt him again....however, I solemnly swear to myself and to everyone else on the planet that I am a one man woman and he is my one man. Sometimes, it really does take losing something/someone to realize exactly what they mean to you. So....I can't stop smiling. Actually knowing that he wants to be with me rather than just hoping is so much better! I love him. That's all there is to it. :D

Accept My Apology?

I would sincerely like to apologize for my last post. I was in a terrible mood to start my day off and everything that happened within that day just made it worse.

Today, I woke up in a bad mood but told myself it would be a good day. We're working on that part. So far I'm doing a pretty good job. All caught up at work. Waiting for people to come in so I can check them in and let them be on their way. Just bored out of my skull...

Have you ever just wanted to feel....well, wanted? Needed? Appreciated? I did something that I thought was a great gesture this morning...and actually got in trouble for it...simply because I had to wake him up for it to work. Story time!!!

We were at his dad's house last night having a bonfire...in case you were unaware, last night was extremely cold! The fire was either too hot or not hot enough and around 4 a.m. or so we went into the house. I fell asleep almost the moment we got inside. He tried to stay awake all night just watching the fire (why he didn't just pour a damn bucket of water on it...I don't know.) He fell asleep around 5:30 or 6 in the morning. By 7:20 this morning, I woke up...sore and exhausted from the awkward position I was in on the couch. I proceeded to take everything to the car, tell his dad goodbye, then woke him up to go back to his apartment, or (what I thought was more important) back to his bed. APPARENTLY NOT!!! He fought me about getting up and then didn't talk to me all the way home. I got him home and in bed...once he was there he was lovable again....I THINK HE IS HAVING HIS FIRST PERIOD!!!!

I woke up, showered, did my hair (which if you know me...that's not something that I generally do....EVER...), and then I came to work...I'm pretty peachy right about now...I need something to do tonight or tomorrow though...I'm already bored with today...great mood and nothing to spend it on...blah

If This Ain't Love then How Do We Get Out?!?!?!?!?!

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!
Why do I go on and on and on and on for him? Why do I go to the point of telling him that if we were to get back together I would practically bury myself in a pit of fucking shame and let him do whatever he wishes??? WHY?!?!

it's love......downright, pathetic, outrageous, hateful, beautiful, glorious, wonderful LOVE!

It makes no sense, day after day, watching everyone around me having babies, getting married, or even just being happy with their life and the way they're growing...

I hate mine.
I'm not growing.

I'm not the type of person to try to take the easy way out and go kill myself...so nobody needs to worry about that. However, if someone were to walk up to me holding a knife or gun...I probably wouldn't say stop or no at this point in my life.

It's stupid to be afraid of death, that's a top ten opinion of mine.

That is all...

Update Anyone?

So, I'm living in much cheaper apartments...I didn't have much food there for a hot minute. I'm losing a wonderful amount of weight. I just had one of my best friends Brittney move in with me. I'm going to assist in raising a child soon and I need a new job. Lost mine because they can't so much as answer the phone at mcd's when someone needs to call in.
My life keeps getting more and more ridiculous but I'm a helper...I help others to forget about what I need to do for me. What I need doesn't really matter to me...I realize that...I also realize that it is wrong...but too bad this is how I do things. Tell me that I need to worry about me and my happiness...I hear it quite a bit...
Tell me that everything will work out as it should...but I know better you have to work to make anything happen.
I have ruined my life enough. I'm twenty years old and already almost $600 in debt. I think it's time to help someone else have a better life.

hmmmmm

Why do we only think to write our feelings when we're hurt?
Are we too scared to share them? Are we ashamed of them so we put them here where only a few will see? Is it the pain that someone else would feel?
Maybe for you this isn't the case...or if it is...none of these reasons apply. I'm currently in a mediocre state of mind. I'm physically hurt although I'm not sure why. Hospital visit early in the morning. Maybe I'll get something to eat for my man before I go because after that I'm going to get my tattoo finished.
Don't go to the mall alone if you're barely seen when you're in a group. You realize just how invisible you are...and it WILL get to you.

One of my friends thought that I was going to be ditching her the other day. I've done it here and there and to those of you who I've done it to I apologize. It had never happened to me more than when I moved into this apartment.

I want to love my life. I'd just have to have security before doing that....
*sigh*