If This Ain't Love then How Do We Get Out?!?!?!?!?!

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!
Why do I go on and on and on and on for him? Why do I go to the point of telling him that if we were to get back together I would practically bury myself in a pit of fucking shame and let him do whatever he wishes??? WHY?!?!

it's love......downright, pathetic, outrageous, hateful, beautiful, glorious, wonderful LOVE!

It makes no sense, day after day, watching everyone around me having babies, getting married, or even just being happy with their life and the way they're growing...

I hate mine.
I'm not growing.

I'm not the type of person to try to take the easy way out and go kill myself...so nobody needs to worry about that. However, if someone were to walk up to me holding a knife or gun...I probably wouldn't say stop or no at this point in my life.

It's stupid to be afraid of death, that's a top ten opinion of mine.

That is all...

Update Anyone?

So, I'm living in much cheaper apartments...I didn't have much food there for a hot minute. I'm losing a wonderful amount of weight. I just had one of my best friends Brittney move in with me. I'm going to assist in raising a child soon and I need a new job. Lost mine because they can't so much as answer the phone at mcd's when someone needs to call in.
My life keeps getting more and more ridiculous but I'm a helper...I help others to forget about what I need to do for me. What I need doesn't really matter to me...I realize that...I also realize that it is wrong...but too bad this is how I do things. Tell me that I need to worry about me and my happiness...I hear it quite a bit...
Tell me that everything will work out as it should...but I know better you have to work to make anything happen.
I have ruined my life enough. I'm twenty years old and already almost $600 in debt. I think it's time to help someone else have a better life.

hmmmmm

Why do we only think to write our feelings when we're hurt?
Are we too scared to share them? Are we ashamed of them so we put them here where only a few will see? Is it the pain that someone else would feel?
Maybe for you this isn't the case...or if it is...none of these reasons apply. I'm currently in a mediocre state of mind. I'm physically hurt although I'm not sure why. Hospital visit early in the morning. Maybe I'll get something to eat for my man before I go because after that I'm going to get my tattoo finished.
Don't go to the mall alone if you're barely seen when you're in a group. You realize just how invisible you are...and it WILL get to you.

One of my friends thought that I was going to be ditching her the other day. I've done it here and there and to those of you who I've done it to I apologize. It had never happened to me more than when I moved into this apartment.

I want to love my life. I'd just have to have security before doing that....
*sigh*

Screw it.

If you want to hate me then do it
Don't beat around the bush
Don't act too nice
Just hate me already

I wish I could just scream that out to a certain someone and I really wish that person would see this. I can't say it out loud. I'm not here to be treated like SHIT on the bottom of your shoes. I'm human, too. You've made your errors and I've made mine.
Fuck being friends forever. I'm done with pretending.

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER...DON'T EVEN TRY!

say something....

the silence is killing me
i don't believe in awkward
but there is no other word

i could apologize
but i wouldn't be sure what to say
the silence remains

petty conversation
less than ten minutes ago
the silence returned as quickly as it arrived

help me out here
Say Something.

Blogging

In most cases....I would delete everything that came before this here blog.
I, however, have decided that it's all me. I'm still that girl. Why not leave it? So I am...
A friend of mine is blogging now and it has inspired me to start again. So here's to an entirely different view of this girl, after life really hit her.

Spring Break is a Tease!

You never realize how incredible it would be to finally get out of high school and that's where senior-itis sets in. I did become much closer to Haley and found out that we really are each others besties. Haley+Rie=Besties FOREVER!
I was with her pretty much everyday, I even think I saw her more than I saw my own boyfriend.
Had some good times over break, had some great times...but even in the happiest week of my life there was some major downs. Everything is fine now though, just got some of the childish things to regret out of my system.
Brian and I are fabulous, and have decided that we will for sure be together forever.