The BIG Move (I'm kinda scared)

If everything runs smoothly, I will be moving in April. This is going to be the most significant move that I have made thus far. Miss Teach, I'm going to Hawaii. I am moving down there to be with my aunt, her two beautiful baby girls, and her husband (who is in the military.) For awhile I'm going to be a live-in nanny for the two little girls so that Christina can get a job and get everything moving for themselves down there. After that I will probably try to get a job at a hotel, if I don't like living down there I'll simply be back in about 6 months or so. However, if I do enjoy living down there there is no telling when I'll return. I miss you so much already. I only hope to see you at least once before I leave. I just wish that the school visitation rules weren't so strict.

really, untitled....

I know what I have done....but I can't change everything about myself. I'm not misleading about what I want. I'm just friendly. I used to be misleading...or maybe I wasn't. Maybe, at that moment that which I was leading on to was exactly what I wanted. I wrongly wanted it but I make mistakes just like you and you. I, however, want one thing now. What will it take?!?! I needed to say this somewhere that few would see it. So thank you to my one reader....nothing is wrong really, just a moment, one of a few on this matter but it's going to take time. I understand that.

I don't think this would be considered screaming it on top of a mountain....

WE'RE BACK TOGETHER!!!! I have never been so excited about a simple little title on a relationship before! oh oh oh oh! and I'm moving in this week! maybe that's what I'm more excited about...who knows?
I told him that I wouldn't tag him in my relationship status on Facebook because he's not necessarily ready for all of his friends commenting and asking. Honestly, some of them will probably give him a hard time about it saying that I'm going to hurt him again....however, I solemnly swear to myself and to everyone else on the planet that I am a one man woman and he is my one man. Sometimes, it really does take losing something/someone to realize exactly what they mean to you. So....I can't stop smiling. Actually knowing that he wants to be with me rather than just hoping is so much better! I love him. That's all there is to it. :D

Accept My Apology?

I would sincerely like to apologize for my last post. I was in a terrible mood to start my day off and everything that happened within that day just made it worse.

Today, I woke up in a bad mood but told myself it would be a good day. We're working on that part. So far I'm doing a pretty good job. All caught up at work. Waiting for people to come in so I can check them in and let them be on their way. Just bored out of my skull...

Have you ever just wanted to feel....well, wanted? Needed? Appreciated? I did something that I thought was a great gesture this morning...and actually got in trouble for it...simply because I had to wake him up for it to work. Story time!!!

We were at his dad's house last night having a bonfire...in case you were unaware, last night was extremely cold! The fire was either too hot or not hot enough and around 4 a.m. or so we went into the house. I fell asleep almost the moment we got inside. He tried to stay awake all night just watching the fire (why he didn't just pour a damn bucket of water on it...I don't know.) He fell asleep around 5:30 or 6 in the morning. By 7:20 this morning, I woke up...sore and exhausted from the awkward position I was in on the couch. I proceeded to take everything to the car, tell his dad goodbye, then woke him up to go back to his apartment, or (what I thought was more important) back to his bed. APPARENTLY NOT!!! He fought me about getting up and then didn't talk to me all the way home. I got him home and in bed...once he was there he was lovable again....I THINK HE IS HAVING HIS FIRST PERIOD!!!!

I woke up, showered, did my hair (which if you know me...that's not something that I generally do....EVER...), and then I came to work...I'm pretty peachy right about now...I need something to do tonight or tomorrow though...I'm already bored with today...great mood and nothing to spend it on...blah

If This Ain't Love then How Do We Get Out?!?!?!?!?!

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!
Why do I go on and on and on and on for him? Why do I go to the point of telling him that if we were to get back together I would practically bury myself in a pit of fucking shame and let him do whatever he wishes??? WHY?!?!

it's love......downright, pathetic, outrageous, hateful, beautiful, glorious, wonderful LOVE!

It makes no sense, day after day, watching everyone around me having babies, getting married, or even just being happy with their life and the way they're growing...

I hate mine.
I'm not growing.

I'm not the type of person to try to take the easy way out and go kill myself...so nobody needs to worry about that. However, if someone were to walk up to me holding a knife or gun...I probably wouldn't say stop or no at this point in my life.

It's stupid to be afraid of death, that's a top ten opinion of mine.

That is all...

Update Anyone?

So, I'm living in much cheaper apartments...I didn't have much food there for a hot minute. I'm losing a wonderful amount of weight. I just had one of my best friends Brittney move in with me. I'm going to assist in raising a child soon and I need a new job. Lost mine because they can't so much as answer the phone at mcd's when someone needs to call in.
My life keeps getting more and more ridiculous but I'm a helper...I help others to forget about what I need to do for me. What I need doesn't really matter to me...I realize that...I also realize that it is wrong...but too bad this is how I do things. Tell me that I need to worry about me and my happiness...I hear it quite a bit...
Tell me that everything will work out as it should...but I know better you have to work to make anything happen.
I have ruined my life enough. I'm twenty years old and already almost $600 in debt. I think it's time to help someone else have a better life.

hmmmmm

Why do we only think to write our feelings when we're hurt?
Are we too scared to share them? Are we ashamed of them so we put them here where only a few will see? Is it the pain that someone else would feel?
Maybe for you this isn't the case...or if it is...none of these reasons apply. I'm currently in a mediocre state of mind. I'm physically hurt although I'm not sure why. Hospital visit early in the morning. Maybe I'll get something to eat for my man before I go because after that I'm going to get my tattoo finished.
Don't go to the mall alone if you're barely seen when you're in a group. You realize just how invisible you are...and it WILL get to you.

One of my friends thought that I was going to be ditching her the other day. I've done it here and there and to those of you who I've done it to I apologize. It had never happened to me more than when I moved into this apartment.

I want to love my life. I'd just have to have security before doing that....
*sigh*

Screw it.

If you want to hate me then do it
Don't beat around the bush
Don't act too nice
Just hate me already

I wish I could just scream that out to a certain someone and I really wish that person would see this. I can't say it out loud. I'm not here to be treated like SHIT on the bottom of your shoes. I'm human, too. You've made your errors and I've made mine.
Fuck being friends forever. I'm done with pretending.

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER...DON'T EVEN TRY!

say something....

the silence is killing me
i don't believe in awkward
but there is no other word

i could apologize
but i wouldn't be sure what to say
the silence remains

petty conversation
less than ten minutes ago
the silence returned as quickly as it arrived

help me out here
Say Something.

Blogging

In most cases....I would delete everything that came before this here blog.
I, however, have decided that it's all me. I'm still that girl. Why not leave it? So I am...
A friend of mine is blogging now and it has inspired me to start again. So here's to an entirely different view of this girl, after life really hit her.

Spring Break is a Tease!

You never realize how incredible it would be to finally get out of high school and that's where senior-itis sets in. I did become much closer to Haley and found out that we really are each others besties. Haley+Rie=Besties FOREVER!
I was with her pretty much everyday, I even think I saw her more than I saw my own boyfriend.
Had some good times over break, had some great times...but even in the happiest week of my life there was some major downs. Everything is fine now though, just got some of the childish things to regret out of my system.
Brian and I are fabulous, and have decided that we will for sure be together forever.

Theatre

Photo from: thorinteagueanimation.net

Newly brought to my attention is my skill at being someone else. I'm almost too good at not being myself. I am great at manipulating my voice as well as various other parts, such as my hair, to become that other person. I work hard at what I do to become another woman entirely...someone that I never dreamed of being. I would love to do something such as this for a living but it is hard telling how hard such a thing could be. This is a passion of mine that would take a ton of work that I'm willing to give.

This = Life

Photo from: Grapevine DJ

Above all other things in my life there is just one constant that is always deep within my soul pushing it's way through the crowded spaces inside of me. This thing is music. Silence hardly exists, find it and you may have experienced the greatest music of your life, the music in you. Music helps bring us up and maybe it will bring you down. It is a realization of what will happen or it could be a sign as to what you should do. Listen to the music in a forest...or in a field on a breezy summer day.

My William

When I was younger I had a hard time getting into reading but then I discovered William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I fell in love with this and had to have more. I found MacBeth which has become my favorite book and one I could read countless times. Watching his plays or reading and interpreting them myself is one of the best pastimes for me. Something wicked has come and it is in a powerful tongue that has swept me off my feet.

Did you know that the movie "10 Things I Hate About You" is based off of "The Taming of the Shrew"?

Photo from: Shakespeare Company

Numero Uno

sweetnessandbitterness.blogspot.com
I probably do, I am a very loving person who loves to just go out and make friends. If I'm not making friends I am attempting to make the ones that I do have happy. It's just the way I roll, you can ask just about anybody what kind of person they think I am and they'd all probably tell you that I'm too happy or just plain crazy. Overall, I do believe that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return...(for) love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored, love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!"
These quotes are from Moulin Rouge

Holy Poo-Pants!!!

or poop ants...either way I guess.
I'm still stressed, it pretty much seems like I am and will be no matter what. I try to make the best of every situation, but sometimes it just doesn't work.
My boyfriend couldn't sleep last night and therefore...neither could I. He kept getting up and I just about killed him. I'm so glad that I'm tanning tonight maybe it'll be my only chance to sleep.
After I get home...I will probably watch the Special Extended Edition of The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. Just because I feel like it.

Senior

The semester is almost over and I can't believe it. Where is my senior stuff at? Why isn't it here yet? I want to start setting up everything for my graduation and party!!!
I'm already stressed out about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm at such a comfortable place here and I don't want to go sometimes. Ugh.
Help me, Lord!

Musician's Dream

A musician's dream is magic with beating bass in the air. Cymbals crashing startled him with a soothing melody beginning. The dancers then arrived twirling beautifully in the light fall breeze. Everything, to her, was in perfect harmony as the fireflies flew in and the sun went down. The music kept growing abundantly all around. She noticed that she was getting cold when she saw more people beginning to arrive. Her family, friends, and even people she'd never seen were there dancing like you'd never seen. Just imagine the intensity and serenity of it all, such a feeling had to be completely electrifying. Somewhere in this reality, something was humming...however it wasn't annoying it was just serene. Small sweet riffs were being played on some unseen guitar then more musician's came in and offered her to play. No one had their instruments though so what were they to do? On the other hand, she hadn't actually seen an instrument throughout the whole night. She played the Piccolo and just imagined the sound.
Finally, the beginning measures of her favorite song played ever so quietly. Letting go of all her inhibitions, she thought louder and louder until she were singing. She had the most beautiful voice anyone had ever heard, and even though she had never sang in public before this moment she let herself feel the music more than ever and danced so blindingly beautifully that I began to cry. Under her skin goose bumps slowly formed, but she ignored them, for she felt confident. It seemed as if velvet had just fallen upon her skin and now she felt beautiful and we knew she was. Wonderful was this feeling, she had never felt anything like this before. When the xylophones joined in we all knew the fun had begun. You'd never believe this, but I have seen it for myself. Then zero gravity hit us all, as she awoke. The party may have ended but she now has a new kind of unforeseen confidence.

Japanese Poetry

Then it just hit me
And it knocked me to the ground
Defences still down

Light shines so brightly
Through my darkest dreams of night
Life has just begun

All you need is love
Hate is imaginary
Why can't they all see
This isn't how we should be
Smile, for you're given life

Some can end in Hell
When just seemingly Heaven
But this one should last
Happiness surrounding me
Did I find my "Meant to Be?"

His are so bright blue
His innocence showing through
When I look at him
I just know he's being true
His eyes don't lie about love

Can you not see me?
My darkness abounding now
Could this be the end,
Or is it just my nightmare?
Weren't you laying here?
I can't seem to find you now
I think I hear you
Maybe I am paralyzed
Feeling coming back
I am pushing through to find you
Then I awoke to your eyes

I'm not what you think
You should know that I cry too
Wish you would see me
The inside is dark and cold
Is my smile warm?
It feels like I'm a statue
Am I invisible?
Or am I white noise to you?
You will see me now
My noise forms words and actions
Eternity starts today




Japanese poetry came very easy to me. It enabled me to really throw my feelings out without giving too much away which I adore.

Attitude

I am a performer with a quirky attitude.
I wonder where I go from here.
I hear the laughing of wood nymphs in the autumn breeze.
I see their long red hair flowing in the air.
I want to be better.
I am a performer with a quirky attitude.

I pretend that I feel fine.
I feel joy for the everlasting life of the faeries.
I touch the scales of mermaids as they swim past.
I worry that I won't succeed.
I cry for her thinking I was angry.
I am a performer with a quirky attitude.

I understand that we all must go.
I say that no one will talk me down.
I dream that we'll have a better life.
I try to keep going.
I hope there's a better place.
I am a performer with a quirky attitude.